I haven't said that in a while. It was my catchphrase for a while junior year, but it sort of slipped away.
Kinda like how my control over my life feels like it's slipping away right now.
I'm behind on:
My thesis. Like woah.
My French class and everything associated with it.
My Distance learning british lit 1 class.
But I did eat the vast majority of a pan of brownies over the past day.
And I don't get to go to France. And I don't know where I'm going to live in the fall.
And the front tire on my bike (that's actually my sister's) makes this funny squeaking noise ALL the time.
And I ate most of a pan of brownies.
And I'm by far too busy (but keep making bad choices with my free time).
And I've spent the past week having a pity party, procrastinating, and avoiding, but it hasn't made anything better.
And I have to find a real job. Like a JOB job. But I'm afraid that if I do find a JOB job I won't have time to dance or go to yoga or go on bike rides or drink coffee with friends or be an artist/dancer/choreographer/intellectual. But I don't even know if I would be an artist/dancer/choreographer/intellectual without a JOB job, because I've never done that before, and my connections with the Twin Cities dance community are relatively non-existent, and I don't have any choreography I can use for showings, and no one ever wants to dance in my pieces. And I'm afraid that I won't get into grad school (because my track record with applying to things hasn't been the greatest lately), and I'll spend far too much of my 20s in Saint Paul sitting at a desk working at my JOB job (assuming I can get one) and not being an artist and I'll end up as one of those boring people who are boring and who talk about how great college was and how artistic they were 'back in the old days'. And I don't want to be boring or have to talk about the old days.
And I try to tell myself that you can't make an entire life interesting over the course of a summer, and everyone has their periods where things don't work out. But this really isn't working out. And I really expected it to. And everyone else really expected it to, for me. And that kinda makes it worse, because all of the comments of 'wow. I really thought you'd get that' make me feel like more of a failure for not getting it. And I realize that that's just people being nice, and that it means that they all think really well of me. But, still. Failure.
/> End whining session.
I actually do have a few plans for next year. I'm going to apply to be the dance intern at the Southern. And apply for grad school, and for a fulbright, and for the same teaching in France program. And my thesis will come together, as will my distance learning class, because I always make those things happen eventually. And I actually do like the piece I'm working on right now, even if it's not the most conventional and probably couldn't get shown anywhere. And I did manage to find dancers for it, eventually. And I applied to work as a secretary-ish person at a local university, so maybe I will get a job. And my bike tire really isn't THAT annoying. And if I do get a JOB job, I'll have enough money to visit Julie in Chicago, hopefully. And I bought three cute new pairs of shoes in the past month, and they do make me feel a bit better. And I'm going to yoga tomorrow. So maybe life isn't that terrible. And I always knew, even as I was whining, exactly the things to say to myself to make the whining not be quite so necessary. But sometimes a gal's just gotta whine. You know?