Also, the entire right side of my face started twitching when i was in corpse pose and wouldn't stop for like 10 minutes.

I left home this morning at 8:10 and got home again at 10:50. Not in the gone for 2.5 hours way, in the gone for 14.5 hours way. So tired. Have so much to do. So much yoga. Happytiredcrazyproudalmostdone.

I ate cookie dough ice cream for breakfast. It was tasty.

I fell on my nose. It hurts.

I am so many things right now. Mostly happy, sad that Colin's leaving and thrilled that he gets to go, excited about yoga and yoga people, grateful for my family and all of the amazing people in my life. In awe at how beautiful Minneapolis is, especially when you look at it at two am from one of your favorite places in the world. Have me take you there sometime, it's pretty breathtaking.

I had a really good night tonight. Thanks, everyone.

I love myself. I haven't been able to say that before, but now it's true.

Oh how I love thee, hammock on my parent's deck. You are perfectly placed in the shade and have a soothing rocking motion. I can stare off into space and watch the birds fly by and reread a favorite book. Perfection.

So much yoga. So many fantastic people in my life. I can't even begin to explain how excited I am about all of this and how much I feel like a better, happier version of me. The commitment and kindness and integrity present in this group of thirty people (plus super-amazing teachers!) is simply astounding. They're good people, people who get it, who care, who want to create a better world through their actions. We may not have much in common beyond yoga, but that in itself is enough.

Yesterday at Teacher Training we went around and talked about our favorite memories from the past five weeks. People talked about the things that they learned, the changes they can see in themselves and how they live their lives, and the really awesome sense of community that we've all had since day one. I couldn't articulate it fully at the time, but for me the most exciting moment came after we finished team teaching our first class in the middle of week 3. All of a sudden I had this sense that "I can do this." I didn't think that it would be easy, or that the classes I teach will be perfect, but I just knew that somehow I would make it through this training and come out the other side a stronger person and a good yoga teacher. You all know me, and how much I doubt my own abilities and underestimate myself.

I've always been a 'might' person. I might be able to do lots of things, but if I only say that I might succeed at it, any eventual failure won't matter as much. I usually don't fail, but I always have that little bit of built in protection just in case I do. Because of all the work I've done lately on forgiving myself and accepting me for who I am, I've realized that I don't need to be a might person anymore. Failure is okay, and is never actually failure if you're willing to forgive yourself for it and accept it as a learning experience. If you're not going to fail, you can go ahead and commit yourself fully to an experience with the knowledge that, whatever the result, you will be okay.

This teacher training might not end up how I want it to. I would love to be a teacher at CorePower a few months from now and have the chance to share how awesome yoga is with the rest of the world, but if that doesn't happen there will be other opportunities for me at other yoga studios or gyms. I've decided to accept the possibility of things not working out how I want them to, but that does not mean that I'm not going to try my hardest to make my goal happen. I will be the best yoga teacher in training I can be and give CorePower lots of good reasons to hire me. Yes I will, because I can.

On a completely different note, I'm reading The Count of Monte Cristo in French. It's amazing how different a novel can feel when you read it in the original language.

Someday I might post about something other than yoga. Maybe.

I have always been a little bit afraid of being upside down. I trust that my body can do it, but for some strange reason just don't seem to think that I can. I can get halfway there or three-fourths of the way there, no problem, but actually doing a headstand or handstand is just beyond me.

Today I did a headstand. It was against the wall at 1 am, but it was a headstand! And it was surprisingly easy, once I decided I was going to do it and remembered my technique and alignment. Wahoo!

I am sore in places I've never been sore before. That is an accomplishment, considering how I've spent the vast majority of my life dancing and playing soccer and running around.

But seriously. There are lots of tiny little muscles around my thoracic spine and they all hurt.

My head both feels like mush and like it's about to explode. I went to Andy's 5:30 C1 class expecting a good warmup and review for the practice teaching I'm about to do in half an hour. Only one other person showed up, and he's also good at yoga and a former dancer. Andy decided to do a really intense posture clinic for an hour instead of teaching a normal class.

We would go into a posture, and then Andy would give really specific corrections about what we were doing. Things like: raise your right hip, ground the inner arch of your left foot, engage your core, relax your lower back, extend your back kneed and reach through your heel, soften your shoulders down your back, lengthen between your ribs and your pelvis on your right side, bring your left hip back, and expand your chest. And breathe. All for one posture. And then we would do it again for the next one. It was amazing, but there was so much information that I can't even begin to process it all. My mind=blown, and my body= exhausted. Both in the best way possible.

Dear Self,
Please don't ever eat so much ice cream before going to a C2 yoga class ever again. It might taste really good at the time, but you will definitely come to regret it.
Sincerely,
Your stomach

Wait a minute. How is it all of a sudden June 30th?!!!!

I feel like I've changed a lot since the last time I wrote. Here, have a summary of my past two weeks:

This is going to sound super hippie, but my goodness, yoga has started to really alter my life. I love it, it really works for me, and it's given me the chance to reinvent myself in subtle and fascinating ways. I feel in control and weak at the same time, powerful and completely lost, and all sorts of other false dichotomies all at once. The tensions in my body that I knew I was holding but never knew how to release are finally starting to float away, the mental and emotional blocks and resentments along with them. Our bodies are great at holding onto old emotional baggage in surprising places, and finding the release and counteraction for all of that has been fantastic. Bad muscular habits that I've held onto since I was eight because I didn't know how to release them and I thought I needed them, are finally gone, and I'm starting to feel like a new person. It's pretty fantastic, and I'm absolutely positive that this same sort of thing will just keep happening. Also, yoga teacher training is pretty flippin wonderful. Tonight we divided up the entire sequence of a basic yoga class and each taught a part while the rest of us took the class. We all did really well, especially given the fact that we all just finished our third week of training. The sense of accomplishment and community that the exercise brought out, along with the realization that I know more yoga than I think I do was really, really exciting.

I'm starting to realize that I am no longer just a student, but also a teacher and have found that incredibly fulfilling. The slight edge of not knowing whether I can make it through my next class, if my French-speaking abilities will be able to hold up under fire and get me through the next hour, if my vocabulary will be big enough to answer all of the random questions my students throw at me, is both exhilarating and exhausting. The humbleness that comes with having to admit to not knowing something combines with the certainty brought about by a successful lesson to create a roller coaster ride of emotions that makes me excited and exhausted and terrified and thrilled. All at once (sense a theme?).

Jumping back into Czech dancing has taught me the value of technique and of going with the flow. There isn't time to go back and teach me all of the dances that the group regularly performs, so my partner and I just have to pick up as much as we can as fast as we can. Dealing with that feeling of not knowing has been hard for me, since usually when I dance I at least have a general idea of what's going on and what might come next. That is not at all the case in Czech dance practices. Like everything else lately, it's scary and fun and educational, all at the same time. Not quite as completely me-altering as allllllll of the yoga or the teaching, but still pretty interesting.

Last on the list of new and exciting things comes the fact that I'm going to be (am, really) one of two Assistant Stage Managers for an Ananya Dance Theater production going up at The Southern this fall. I have absolutely no backstage experience. Like everything else, this will be exciting and fun and challenging and ridiculously crazy. Laurie and Ananya, two of the women I admire most, are the directors of the show, and I'm excited to have them in my life again. They challenge me to grow and improve myself in ways I didn't even know I needed to. The company as a whole is filled with strong women with strong personalities, and dealing with all of them might be a challenge. Then again, I'm (finally?) starting to realize that I might, myself, be a strong woman with a strong personality.

So, yeah. That's my life for now. I need to find more ways to make money, but don't really have the time to do that right now. Maybe just (just?!) spiritual and emotional growth will have to be enough for now. My schedule goes something like this:

Monday: off, Czech dance 7:30-10
Tuesday: modern if possible, teach at 5:30
Wednesday: Teach at 10, yoga teacher training 7-10
Thursday: modern if possible, teach at 12,
Friday: Teach at 3:30, sometimes yoga teacher training at 7
Saturday: Teach at 10, yoga teacher training from 2-5
Sunday: Yoga teacher training from 2-5
Also, 5 yoga classes at some point, usually around one per day with Tuesday and Thursday off. Also, none of my Assistant Stage Manager stuff is solidified yet, so that's still not accounted for.

That adds up to lots of time driving back and forth between Minneapolis and STP. Also adds up to lots of scheduling difficulties, and feeling like I'm on the go constantly. I can't tell if that's just because it's a new schedule and I'm still settling in, or if I'm actually that crazy busy. Anyways, this post is ridiculously long and I'm going to bed so I can get up in time for modern tomorrow.