My goodness, I'm going to have a busy fall. Teaching French for around 20-25 hours a week, teaching ballet on Tuesday nights, and maybe more as well (I'm still really not sure about that), doing a program so I can be a better yoga teacher, taking French classes through the Alliance Française, maybe doing Czech dancing on Monday nights. And researching grad schools and writing a statement of purpose and polishing my writing sample and getting letters of recommendation. And I still have a week and a half as Assistant Stage Manager for Ananya Dance Theater, with tech this week and performances next weekend. It's looking really good, and really intense, and I'm feeling really inspired to be really creative. Really.

It is freakishly cold right now. How can you go from wearing shorts and tank tops one day to, only three days later, a sweatshirt and jeans? Only in Minnesota, methinks. At least I'm being a good hipster (I guess I might be one?) and am wearing skinny jeans and cowboy boots.

Ugh. It is far too early to be up. But today is pickle-making day! And I have bright red yoga pants!

My parents put Molly to sleep on Monday. When I went home to do some laundry today, her bowls weren't by the stove anymore. My mom gathered up all of her things from their homes around the house, but can't quite seem to get rid of them yet. They're all just sitting in a corner of the kitchen, forlorn and unused, but not forgotten.

I haven't been particularly attached to her lately, but it's still hard to imagine home without Molly. She's been around for practically as long as I can remember.

I am now CPR certified. That means I can teach in a yoga classroom by myself. Yay!

Also, I have a job interview/audition to be a yoga teacher tomorrow at noon. It's for a pilates studio that I've never been to before, but I'm excited just to get the chance to teach a class. And possibly getting a job out of doing that only makes it better.

This is the last week of summer classes at Language Sprout. It's been a good summer, if a bit crazy. I think I served my students well, and the ones that wanted to learn learned a lot. The ones that didn't really want to learn at least picked up something, which is all you can ask for.

I have to move out of my apartment by noon on the 31st, and that's really weirding me out. This has been such a great apartment, I've really loved living here. I have a hard time imagining not living here. Also, I have a lot of stuff. Like really, a lot.

Apparently disjointed and choppy sentences are all I can manage right now. I'm going to go make a drink, read some LOTR, and plan what we'll do during the last day of camp tomorrow.

Molly was found, safely ensconced in the animal humane society. She looks so sad in her picture, and I think she had a pretty rough day. We ended up having a family meeting, and decided that her quality of life is practically non-existent, and that we'll have to look into having her put down, possibly tomorrow morning. Kate and I ended up having a nice conversation about her, and all of the things that she loves, and our memories of getting her, and playing with her, and walking with her, and how she loves to be the queen of the laundry basket. It is surprising to think that the dog that has been such a fixture of life on Berkeley Ave for most of my memories isn't going to be around anymore. At the same time, when you compare Molly as she is now to how she was when she was younger, it's obvious that her time has come. She has seizures, some days she can hardly walk, she has no control over her bladder, and is deaf and mostly blind from cataracts. It's the humane thing to do, I just can't wrap my head around it.

I lost the sixteen year old family dog. The sixteen year old dog with epilepsy, cataracts, hearing loss and the beginnings of kidney failure. Molly decided she was three again and ran away like she used to do. But she's not three, she's sixteen and has epilepsy and could hardly walk yesterday, hasn't been able to see anything for over a year, and is mostly deaf. And my parents are due back in town any minute, and the dog is gone. The dog is gone and not wearing a collar, because we all thought that of course the sixteen year old dog that can hardly walk would never run away, and there would be no need for a collar.

Why do dramatic things happen whenever a family member is coming back from a big trip? Kate got home from Prague and the car got impounded. My parents fly back from Sacramento and the dog runs away. What kind of bad karma do I have?

I woke up at 8:30 to my dog barking her head off, so I let her outside and went back to bed, noticing in the meantime how smelly the kitchen was because she had pooped in her kennel again. It started pouring. Molly got soaked, and the kennel still smells, which means the entire first floor of the house smells, cause I'm sure as hell not about to go clean it out in the pouring rain.

Oh, and the light fixture in the back entryway managed to start leaking water from the little porch we have upstairs that must not be draining properly. Yay.

So, my boss asked me to come into work early today to help out with a camp in a language I don't speak. Just like I thought, there really isn't anything for me to do right now and I got up early for no good reason. Good thing I brought my knitting.

Being graduated from Teacher Training is kinda weird. I miss seeing people, and having class (what?!), and practically living at the yoga studio. I don't miss how crazy busy I was, but I do miss the people, and the experience. Also, I realized that the extensions program continuation thing starts the same weekend as the show that I'm ASMing. Problems.

I taught my first French camp over the past two weeks. It was mostly successful. Each of the three kids had their bratty moments, but there were also some really sweet ones that more or less made up for that. I think they all learned a good amount (of course, they could have learned more...) and had fun. By the end of the two weeks I felt like I knew what I was doing and that I actually had the right to call myself a teacher. A teacher in the 'I know what I'm doing in a classroom and can handle the kids and plan lessons that will be effective and not freak out' kind of way.

I killed a fly with my bare hands last night. I feel kinda bad about it, because I've been trying to be yogic and do no harm, but it kept buzzing in my ear while I was trying to go to sleep.

I can't believe how tired I've been lately. I think I need a week off, but I don't think I'll get one. I feel like I've had one gigantic thing after another all summer, starting with finishing with my thesis, then finishing my distance learning class, then teacher training, then french camp, and now ASMing. There have been little breaks here and there, but there's always been some big thing to get done hanging over my head. I guess this is being an adult?

Also, the entire right side of my face started twitching when i was in corpse pose and wouldn't stop for like 10 minutes.

I left home this morning at 8:10 and got home again at 10:50. Not in the gone for 2.5 hours way, in the gone for 14.5 hours way. So tired. Have so much to do. So much yoga. Happytiredcrazyproudalmostdone.

I ate cookie dough ice cream for breakfast. It was tasty.

I fell on my nose. It hurts.

I am so many things right now. Mostly happy, sad that Colin's leaving and thrilled that he gets to go, excited about yoga and yoga people, grateful for my family and all of the amazing people in my life. In awe at how beautiful Minneapolis is, especially when you look at it at two am from one of your favorite places in the world. Have me take you there sometime, it's pretty breathtaking.

I had a really good night tonight. Thanks, everyone.

I love myself. I haven't been able to say that before, but now it's true.

Oh how I love thee, hammock on my parent's deck. You are perfectly placed in the shade and have a soothing rocking motion. I can stare off into space and watch the birds fly by and reread a favorite book. Perfection.

So much yoga. So many fantastic people in my life. I can't even begin to explain how excited I am about all of this and how much I feel like a better, happier version of me. The commitment and kindness and integrity present in this group of thirty people (plus super-amazing teachers!) is simply astounding. They're good people, people who get it, who care, who want to create a better world through their actions. We may not have much in common beyond yoga, but that in itself is enough.

Yesterday at Teacher Training we went around and talked about our favorite memories from the past five weeks. People talked about the things that they learned, the changes they can see in themselves and how they live their lives, and the really awesome sense of community that we've all had since day one. I couldn't articulate it fully at the time, but for me the most exciting moment came after we finished team teaching our first class in the middle of week 3. All of a sudden I had this sense that "I can do this." I didn't think that it would be easy, or that the classes I teach will be perfect, but I just knew that somehow I would make it through this training and come out the other side a stronger person and a good yoga teacher. You all know me, and how much I doubt my own abilities and underestimate myself.

I've always been a 'might' person. I might be able to do lots of things, but if I only say that I might succeed at it, any eventual failure won't matter as much. I usually don't fail, but I always have that little bit of built in protection just in case I do. Because of all the work I've done lately on forgiving myself and accepting me for who I am, I've realized that I don't need to be a might person anymore. Failure is okay, and is never actually failure if you're willing to forgive yourself for it and accept it as a learning experience. If you're not going to fail, you can go ahead and commit yourself fully to an experience with the knowledge that, whatever the result, you will be okay.

This teacher training might not end up how I want it to. I would love to be a teacher at CorePower a few months from now and have the chance to share how awesome yoga is with the rest of the world, but if that doesn't happen there will be other opportunities for me at other yoga studios or gyms. I've decided to accept the possibility of things not working out how I want them to, but that does not mean that I'm not going to try my hardest to make my goal happen. I will be the best yoga teacher in training I can be and give CorePower lots of good reasons to hire me. Yes I will, because I can.

On a completely different note, I'm reading The Count of Monte Cristo in French. It's amazing how different a novel can feel when you read it in the original language.

Someday I might post about something other than yoga. Maybe.

I have always been a little bit afraid of being upside down. I trust that my body can do it, but for some strange reason just don't seem to think that I can. I can get halfway there or three-fourths of the way there, no problem, but actually doing a headstand or handstand is just beyond me.

Today I did a headstand. It was against the wall at 1 am, but it was a headstand! And it was surprisingly easy, once I decided I was going to do it and remembered my technique and alignment. Wahoo!

I am sore in places I've never been sore before. That is an accomplishment, considering how I've spent the vast majority of my life dancing and playing soccer and running around.

But seriously. There are lots of tiny little muscles around my thoracic spine and they all hurt.

My head both feels like mush and like it's about to explode. I went to Andy's 5:30 C1 class expecting a good warmup and review for the practice teaching I'm about to do in half an hour. Only one other person showed up, and he's also good at yoga and a former dancer. Andy decided to do a really intense posture clinic for an hour instead of teaching a normal class.

We would go into a posture, and then Andy would give really specific corrections about what we were doing. Things like: raise your right hip, ground the inner arch of your left foot, engage your core, relax your lower back, extend your back kneed and reach through your heel, soften your shoulders down your back, lengthen between your ribs and your pelvis on your right side, bring your left hip back, and expand your chest. And breathe. All for one posture. And then we would do it again for the next one. It was amazing, but there was so much information that I can't even begin to process it all. My mind=blown, and my body= exhausted. Both in the best way possible.

Dear Self,
Please don't ever eat so much ice cream before going to a C2 yoga class ever again. It might taste really good at the time, but you will definitely come to regret it.
Sincerely,
Your stomach

Wait a minute. How is it all of a sudden June 30th?!!!!

I feel like I've changed a lot since the last time I wrote. Here, have a summary of my past two weeks:

This is going to sound super hippie, but my goodness, yoga has started to really alter my life. I love it, it really works for me, and it's given me the chance to reinvent myself in subtle and fascinating ways. I feel in control and weak at the same time, powerful and completely lost, and all sorts of other false dichotomies all at once. The tensions in my body that I knew I was holding but never knew how to release are finally starting to float away, the mental and emotional blocks and resentments along with them. Our bodies are great at holding onto old emotional baggage in surprising places, and finding the release and counteraction for all of that has been fantastic. Bad muscular habits that I've held onto since I was eight because I didn't know how to release them and I thought I needed them, are finally gone, and I'm starting to feel like a new person. It's pretty fantastic, and I'm absolutely positive that this same sort of thing will just keep happening. Also, yoga teacher training is pretty flippin wonderful. Tonight we divided up the entire sequence of a basic yoga class and each taught a part while the rest of us took the class. We all did really well, especially given the fact that we all just finished our third week of training. The sense of accomplishment and community that the exercise brought out, along with the realization that I know more yoga than I think I do was really, really exciting.

I'm starting to realize that I am no longer just a student, but also a teacher and have found that incredibly fulfilling. The slight edge of not knowing whether I can make it through my next class, if my French-speaking abilities will be able to hold up under fire and get me through the next hour, if my vocabulary will be big enough to answer all of the random questions my students throw at me, is both exhilarating and exhausting. The humbleness that comes with having to admit to not knowing something combines with the certainty brought about by a successful lesson to create a roller coaster ride of emotions that makes me excited and exhausted and terrified and thrilled. All at once (sense a theme?).

Jumping back into Czech dancing has taught me the value of technique and of going with the flow. There isn't time to go back and teach me all of the dances that the group regularly performs, so my partner and I just have to pick up as much as we can as fast as we can. Dealing with that feeling of not knowing has been hard for me, since usually when I dance I at least have a general idea of what's going on and what might come next. That is not at all the case in Czech dance practices. Like everything else lately, it's scary and fun and educational, all at the same time. Not quite as completely me-altering as allllllll of the yoga or the teaching, but still pretty interesting.

Last on the list of new and exciting things comes the fact that I'm going to be (am, really) one of two Assistant Stage Managers for an Ananya Dance Theater production going up at The Southern this fall. I have absolutely no backstage experience. Like everything else, this will be exciting and fun and challenging and ridiculously crazy. Laurie and Ananya, two of the women I admire most, are the directors of the show, and I'm excited to have them in my life again. They challenge me to grow and improve myself in ways I didn't even know I needed to. The company as a whole is filled with strong women with strong personalities, and dealing with all of them might be a challenge. Then again, I'm (finally?) starting to realize that I might, myself, be a strong woman with a strong personality.

So, yeah. That's my life for now. I need to find more ways to make money, but don't really have the time to do that right now. Maybe just (just?!) spiritual and emotional growth will have to be enough for now. My schedule goes something like this:

Monday: off, Czech dance 7:30-10
Tuesday: modern if possible, teach at 5:30
Wednesday: Teach at 10, yoga teacher training 7-10
Thursday: modern if possible, teach at 12,
Friday: Teach at 3:30, sometimes yoga teacher training at 7
Saturday: Teach at 10, yoga teacher training from 2-5
Sunday: Yoga teacher training from 2-5
Also, 5 yoga classes at some point, usually around one per day with Tuesday and Thursday off. Also, none of my Assistant Stage Manager stuff is solidified yet, so that's still not accounted for.

That adds up to lots of time driving back and forth between Minneapolis and STP. Also adds up to lots of scheduling difficulties, and feeling like I'm on the go constantly. I can't tell if that's just because it's a new schedule and I'm still settling in, or if I'm actually that crazy busy. Anyways, this post is ridiculously long and I'm going to bed so I can get up in time for modern tomorrow.

So the repair man is here, which is fabulous-- it will be nice to have a light in the closet again. But, honestly, how hard is it to replace a light fixture? This is the third time he's blown the fuse for my apartment. The third!

Wahoo! I got the job! More later, off to celebrate...

Left for yoga by bike, only to realize that not only was my front tire almost completely flat, but that my bike felt the need to make this odd clicking noise every time I pedaled. Walked back home, parked the bike, and went to try driving to yoga. Drove there, got a parking spot, only to realize that I had left my wallet in my apartment (I thought I wouldn't need it, since I was biking), and had no way to pay the dollar for the parking lot. Clearly it was not my day to go to yoga.

Also, still no news about this job, even though it's been more than 24 hours. At what point does no news become bad news?

Still no news. I did find out that I get to be an ASM for Ananya Dance Theater during their fall production, so that's good.

Watching the Mexico vs. France game online, getting started on a new knitting project.

I really want to find out if I got the job I interviewed for yesterday. She said she'd call me within 24 hours, but that hasn't happened yet. Here's hoping...

Oh my goodness, so much yoga info going through my head. So fascinating, but so tired. Really need to get more sleep. Going to go work on that now.

Brownie time!!! Yum!

If only writing all of the other essays were as easy as writing about Pride and Prejudice.

The pilot light on my stove went out, but I relit it all by myself. I had to use a paper bag handle to be able to reach far enough back to get to it, but it is back on and my mac and cheese is in the oven! Yum!

Super fascinating article about what the Tea Party wants and the role of the individual and the government in American society:



I swear I'm going to work now. Really.

The excellent latte art on my latte cannot make up for the fact that it has grounds in the bottom. Disappointing, but not enough to ruin it.

Oh my goodness, I am screwed. This will be a very interesting 24ish hours. But what's the fun in finishing off my college career without a shit ton of work to do and not enough time to do it in? After all, work that's easy isn't work at all!

Went back to Common Roots to see if I could run into the cute girl I talked to the other day but she doesn't seem to be here. You know how you always figure out exactly what to say after the fact? Yeah. At least I get a good latte and a nice work environment out of the deal.

Continuing my tour of local coffee shops with a trip to Common Roots. It's my first time here, and I quite approve. 20 pages and one poem away from being done with the reading for lesson 7, then I get to write three essays.

Sat down next to a friendly girl who was reading for a class on African American literature and who recognized my Norton; we had a nice conversation about writing styles and summer classes.

I've been using a lot of semicolons lately.

Went to 8 am yoga today, which was earlier than I've ever gone before. It was good for waking up, but now the post-exercise blues have set in and I'm super sleepy.

Life did indeed look up. Writing is still slow, but at least it's happening. Almost done with assignment 6!

I somehow need to finish 4 more assignments by the end of the day Sunday, which adds up to more than two essays a day. I also have to go do workstudy at Zenon tonight, to a wedding on Saturday afternoon and to yoga training on Sunday from 2-5, along with two yoga classes. There needs to be more time in the day.

It took me three tries to leave the house this morning. Try number 1 I forgot my headphones, which are essential when one is going to a coffee shop to do work. Went back, grabbed them, and then actually made it all the way to the bank on try number 2. Cashed my check, only to rip a massive hole in the crotch of my pants as I got back into the car. A massive, massive hole. So then I went back home, changed into shorts and heels (to make myself feel better) and headed out to the coffee shop. Got here, ran into Kayla as planned, and sat down to drink my delicious latte only to open my purse and realize that my water bottle had leaked. Not enough to actually wreck anything, just enough to be annoying and make things damp.

Here's hoping that the rest of the day starts looking up.

Hm. Just applied to be a beginning language teacher to young-uns. Did not just write either of the essays that I need to write today. Working on that, quickly. I need to find a way to get work done that does not involve sitting in coffee shops for 8 hours at a time. You'd think I would have done that already, since I'm (practically) a college graduate, but no.

I haven't said this in a while, but man do my hip flexors hurt. Time to go back to dancing more often!

Also, yoga teacher training starts tonight, and I'm super super super super super excited! Like, really excited. Really.

Oh man. I just did such an excellent parking job (to the left!) outside of my building. Perfectly centered, close to the curb, got in in one try. Did I mention that it was to the left?

I definitely just set a record for longest time spent doing homework in a coffee shop. I think I got to Dunns at around 11:30 or 11:45, and left at 7:45. That's EIGHT hours!

But assignment five is done! Yay!
Five more plus a final in seven days...

Ugh. I hate how teachers always underestimate how many words fit in a page. My essay is supposed to be 1250 words, or about 5 pages long. Too bad I'm just done with 4 pages and have 1450 words, which means that you can really fit about 350 words per page.

Writing assignment number 5 at Dunn Bros. Hopefully I'll even get a bit of a start on assignment 6, but we'll see. At least it's rainy so there's less of a temptation for me to run around outside.

Dancing was very good but very hot, as was yoga beforehand. I danced some with my dad and some with my new partner, and only messed up an average of 3 times per dance. Not too bad, for never actually having learned most of them.

My productivity level was not stellar today. That will have to change tomorrow. A lot.

Goodnight, world. Sleep well!

I had an amazing salad for lunch today. It had romaine, cherry tomatoes, white cheddar cheese, carrots, croutons, avocado, and blue cheese dressing.

I've done all of the reading for assignment 5, now I just have to write a five page essay on my experience reading Herbert, Jonson, Philips, Herrick, and Vaughan, their ability with different poetic forms, and which one I like most. I also get to write a 500 word essay from the viewpoint of the addressee behind Donne's "The Flea" and "Holy Sonnet 14," answering the poet. Joy. I really wish I had taken this class as an actual class and not as distance learning.

Also, I'm going to my friend's wedding on Saturday. I haven't been to a wedding in ages, and am not sure how I feel about people my age getting married. I imagine it is going to happen a lot over the next few years, though.

Also, I joined the Czech Folk Dance group that my parents have been in for years and that I was in the teen version of. First practice is tonight, we'll see how it goes. My partner just graduated from high school, I just graduated from college, so this could be interesting. My parents keep offering to dance with me for a while so I'll have the chance to dance with an experienced partner for at least a little while. They also have been giving me advice on how to do pivots properly (a skill that they are still working on, I think), and the different kinds of holds necessary for the different partnered moves. I think they might be more worried for me than I am. It's been a long time since I've done that kind of partnering and I've never had one consistent partner before, so tonight could be an adventure. A good adventure, though.

The car has been found, tucked away in the impound lot because of my not so good parking job on Wednesday night. And it only(!) costs $150 to free.

Well, fuck. My car (as in the car I'm using that's actually my parent's) is missing. Either it was towed in the past two hours and isn't in the impound lot yet or someone stole it. Here's hoping for the first one...

Cleaning so my sister can move in to my apartment. It's amazing how much stuff can accumulate in just two years-- it makes the amount of stuff my parents have accumulated over thirty years in the same house so much more understandable. It's also amazing how a relatively clean-seeming apartment can need so much work done. I need to vacuum, dust, clean the bathroom, and reorganize my closet and desk and start to redo the layout of the entire apartment. All in the next five or so hours.

Also, I have a lot of clothes. Like, really. A lot.

Too much to do, so no yoga today. Woe is me.

Owie. Yoga today kicked my ass. More so than usual, I mean.

I love how putting on a favorite piece of clothing for the first time in ages can automatically make a day better. I got out my cactus green jumper (with pockets!) again and just putting it on made me do a little happy dance in front of my mirror. It brought back all of my memories of buying it in Spain, wearing it while gallivanting around Europe, all of the good times last summer, and all of my excitement for what might happen this summer. It accentuates all of my body parts I love most and makes me feel good about being me. I know not everyone ties their memories and emotions to their clothes, but for me clothes are just plain awesome.

More weird dreams. Last night Tessa, Jamie, Colin and I bought a really awesome mansion. We ate blond brownies with chocolate chips and made plans to put in a swimming pool in the backyard. We could afford it because we were all going to be doctors after graduation and had graduated debt free. There were masses of my clothes all over the place because I was so excited about moving into our awesome new house and to not be living with my family in the fall.

My refrigerator is too warm for my pasta sauce but too cold for my vegetables. This results in either limp, floppy and partially frozen vegetables or moldy pasta sauce; either is inedible. It also doesn't have a good vegetable crisper, otherwise I would use that and not have this problem. It's seriously lame, methinks.

Had a really strange set of dreams last night, involving a grad party where I served boiled potatoes and got lots of presents, including a gigantic anime mylar balloon and a dance performance in a garden that appeared in my living room and had really awesome lighting. I didn't get to open any of the other presents :( There was also a boy at the party, and we sat together on my bed. He had taken my diary (the one I haven't written in in ages) and made sweet comments in the margins and made me feel all warm and fuzzy and who was very much in love with me. Then he became a she, but was still the same person in my head, and we were in some sort of free bagel giveaway in what looked kinda like the staircase of Wilson library. There was a very intense discussion at a huge conference table, but I don't remember what it was about. For some reason the boy who was a girl said that s/he had seen me naked (as an argument in the discussion), and my only response was to say "my nose is twitching."
Then I woke up and couldn't figure out where my presents were.

After spending lots of time with friend Kayla talking about what makes for good espresso, I am disappointed to report that my latte from Nina's had lots of grounds in it. That means that there was either too much espresso in the filter, or that it was tamped too hard, preventing the steam from flowing through properly. Sad day.

I decided to take advantage of having a car for one last day (sigh, at least for a while...) to come to Saint Paul and check out Nina's Cafe. I've been here once before, ages ago, but that was more to chat than to do work and now I'm trying it as a place to do work. It's a bit noisy, but my latte is pretty good and there's some good people watching. And a bookstore downstairs! Now all I have to do is actually get some work done, and life will be perfect-ish.

This is earlier than I've gone to bed in a while, and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. Also, I lost at scrabble tonight. Spectacularly.

I'm going to graduate with 194 credits. 120 is the minimum. Huh.

So, (with the exception of one silly distance learning course that doesn't finish until June 15th)

I'M A COLLEGE GRADUATE!

WHeeeeee!

My apartment is cleaner now than it's ever been since I moved back in. It's kinda freaking me out. Grandparents and parents coming over for lunch will do that for you, though.

Thesis writing complete. Sweater/shrug to wear to graduation on Sunday almost complete.

Viggo Mortensen is an amazing actor. Just watched Eastern Promises for the first time, and wow is that bathhouse fight seen impressive.

Audition tomorrow, therefore bedtime now.

Crisis hopefully averted, assuming either the miracle of fax machines or the department secretary and her magical rubber stamp signature can come through for me.

Holy shit, I might be screwed. One of my readers is getting on a plane for Seattle today, and I need her signature saying I finished my thesis and can graduate, but she hasn't even seen it yet. Oh, and it's not finished. Life as a procrastinator is so fabulous...

I have 7777 words right now. That has to mean something fabulous, right?

The end is in sight and it is 16 pages, one really-awesome-but-as-yet-undetermined title, and negative two days away.

Oh, wait. Shit.

I mean, I only really needed to finish on Monday so my readers would have time to read it. The actual deadline is Friday, and I guess my readers are just going to have to suck it up and read it in two days. And I'm going to write 16 really kick-ass pages and edit this thing in the next 18 hours, so I can get it emailed out to them by 9 am tomorrow.

Sweet jesus, I just want to be done.

How is it 2:30 AM already? And how do I only have 11 pages?!?

Super busy night at work (everyone else is trying to finish their papers, too), which meant that I didn't get much work done over the past few hours. The girl I've tutored twice a week all semester gave me a really sweet card that made my night. Now I'm at Espresso Royale for a few more minutes (they close at midnight), drinking lots and lots of black tea and eating a croissant with gouda so my stomach doesn't go crazy.

Page count: 10 of 40
Hours left: 16.5

The end is in sight and it is 32 pages and 24 hours away. And I'm going to work for the next 4 hours.


Wait, what? Uhhhh...Shit.

Tomorrow's my last day of class as an undergrad. It will be weird, and won't even be a normal class day, since two classes are canceled and the other might be either a really good modern class, or kinda mediocre modern class like they've been all week. We'll have a barbecue, maybe in the snow. Usually that ends up being a nice outside party where everyone lets off steam and says goodbye to the seniors, but I'm not sure what will happen if it's inside. Then there's an awards ceremony where the department recognizes all of the seniors and celebrates the year. Then, since it's my Mom's birthday, she and my Dad and I are going out to dinner and then to the Guthrie. It should all be a lot of fun, but really wipes out tomorrow in terms of getting work done.

This all feels so surreal. It's just the end of another semester, in one way, but it's also the end of the last semester, which means that now I've got to do real person things. I might never see some of these people again, and I'm realizing now, as it's all ending, just how much I like them and how big of a part of my life they are. But I can't even freak out about that, yet, because I've got to worry about my thesis and so many other things before I can even begin to think about finding a real person job or keeping in touch. I'm operating with a one thing at a time mindset, hopefully that will get me through.

You'll probably hear a lot from me over the next few days, as I procrastinate and get frustrated with my thesis and then (eventually) finish it. I have to have it done by Monday, so my readers can get a chance to read it and comment before signing off on it on Friday.

Life just feels so important right now, like this is a make or break moment, or something. Doors closing and opening and all that jazz.

Pages done: kinda 11
Pages to go: at least 29
Time left: 3 days and 17 hours

I can't wrap my head around being in the Cities and not being in school. I also can't wrap my head around the fact that I'm graduating in three weeks.

Maybe I'll move to Chicago in the fall.

Also, I went to Cafe Latte yesterday and ate delicious ginger pear cake, and then went next door to The Yarnery (which was having a sale), and only spent FIVE dollars on very pretty bright red sock yarn! I was so proud of myself! And then I ate wings, which were delicious, and tried to do homework, but failed rather miserably.

I just started writing the first real paragraph of my thesis. (I've written other things before, and have outlines and notes and whatnot, but this is the first real paragraph). I'm kinda freaking out, I have so much work to get done, and this is huge, and I have no idea how to do it, but I have to do it, and I know I can do it, it's just huge.

And I'm turning 22 tomorrow, and that's old and it makes me feel like I should be all mature and know what I'm doing with my life. But I don't know what I'm doing with my life, unless whipping out a thesis as fast as possible counts.

Yet another overdramatic blog post.

Self-medicating with chocolate, vodka gimlets, and fancy cheese. All the new shoes in the world can't make being lonely go away.

oh, life. (This is going to be long and dramatic, and I'm going to regret posting it.)

I haven't said that in a while. It was my catchphrase for a while junior year, but it sort of slipped away.
Kinda like how my control over my life feels like it's slipping away right now.

I'm behind on:
My thesis. Like woah.
My French class and everything associated with it.
My Distance learning british lit 1 class.

But I did eat the vast majority of a pan of brownies over the past day.

And I don't get to go to France. And I don't know where I'm going to live in the fall.

And the front tire on my bike (that's actually my sister's) makes this funny squeaking noise ALL the time.

And I ate most of a pan of brownies.

And I'm by far too busy (but keep making bad choices with my free time).

And I've spent the past week having a pity party, procrastinating, and avoiding, but it hasn't made anything better.

And I have to find a real job. Like a JOB job. But I'm afraid that if I do find a JOB job I won't have time to dance or go to yoga or go on bike rides or drink coffee with friends or be an artist/dancer/choreographer/intellectual. But I don't even know if I would be an artist/dancer/choreographer/intellectual without a JOB job, because I've never done that before, and my connections with the Twin Cities dance community are relatively non-existent, and I don't have any choreography I can use for showings, and no one ever wants to dance in my pieces. And I'm afraid that I won't get into grad school (because my track record with applying to things hasn't been the greatest lately), and I'll spend far too much of my 20s in Saint Paul sitting at a desk working at my JOB job (assuming I can get one) and not being an artist and I'll end up as one of those boring people who are boring and who talk about how great college was and how artistic they were 'back in the old days'. And I don't want to be boring or have to talk about the old days.

And I try to tell myself that you can't make an entire life interesting over the course of a summer, and everyone has their periods where things don't work out. But this really isn't working out. And I really expected it to. And everyone else really expected it to, for me. And that kinda makes it worse, because all of the comments of 'wow. I really thought you'd get that' make me feel like more of a failure for not getting it. And I realize that that's just people being nice, and that it means that they all think really well of me. But, still. Failure.

/> End whining session.

I actually do have a few plans for next year. I'm going to apply to be the dance intern at the Southern. And apply for grad school, and for a fulbright, and for the same teaching in France program. And my thesis will come together, as will my distance learning class, because I always make those things happen eventually. And I actually do like the piece I'm working on right now, even if it's not the most conventional and probably couldn't get shown anywhere. And I did manage to find dancers for it, eventually. And I applied to work as a secretary-ish person at a local university, so maybe I will get a job. And my bike tire really isn't THAT annoying. And if I do get a JOB job, I'll have enough money to visit Julie in Chicago, hopefully. And I bought three cute new pairs of shoes in the past month, and they do make me feel a bit better. And I'm going to yoga tomorrow. So maybe life isn't that terrible. And I always knew, even as I was whining, exactly the things to say to myself to make the whining not be quite so necessary. But sometimes a gal's just gotta whine. You know?

Right before I woke up this morning, in that weird time where you're sort of halfway awake and realize that you're dreaming something but you aren't actually awake yet, I had a dream. I was on a New York Subway line by myself in a car that was mostly empty except for a few non-threatening old men at the other end. I knew that I had to change out of my pajamas and into my normal clothes by a certain stop. I started changing, and kept on hearing announcements about "this is the ______ street station. For an emergency map, please press the black button." My station got closer and closer, but I couldn't speed up the changing process. I wasn't particularly worried about that, but knew that it was a problem.

Then my alarm went off. I don't know if I finished in time or not. But if changing clothes is a metaphor for finishing my senior thesis, my dream might be a bad sign.

I have been soooo busy over the past few days. Now that's over and I have a little bit of free time, and I just don't know what to do with myself.

I did Noshguzzler last night and it was amazing. I'm excited about doing more performance art/dance combos and making interesting and provocative art.

I don't say this often, but right now I wish I didn't live alone. I'm bored, and avoiding work, and that would be sooooo much easier to do if I had a roommate.

Tonight I made myself scrambled eggs with ham, broccoli, and melted feta cheese and some highly successful homemade french fries. I'm rather proud of myself.

My dance classes over the past two days have been quite fabulous. Yesterday in modern technique class, everyone was super energized and dancing really well. The class was like a huge hug you get from someone after winning something really important-just ecstatic and happy and with everyone all on the same really fabulous page.
Today in my composition class we got to work on our collaborative project. Everyone was being super creative and supportive and we bounced ideas off of each other in that really wonderful way where you're all on the same page and excited about what you're talking about. We got a lot of work done and have a good sense of direction for what needs to happen between now and March 9th. If you're in town you should come see it, it should be good! And there will be cupcakes (or maybe cookies, I haven't decided yet)!

Today I knit half of a sock.

You know you've been watching the Olympics too much when you can recognize the ads by their music, without even looking at the TV.

I've been watching too much of the Olympics lately. That also means that I've been knitting a lot (a surprise, I know), since I find sitting in front of the TV without doing anything else quite boring. Tonight I knit half of a sock. The other night I knit a good chunk of a lace scarf. Life is exciting.
I might finally have a direction for my senior thesis. Only 5-ish months late, but at least I have one. I'm going to write about a dance show I saw in NYC over winter break, and link it to theories of feminism, interpretation, performance, and whatnot. I even went to the library today and checked out books on the choreographer and the founder of the company. Progress!
Unfortunately I didn't start a grant writing project for the stupidest class ever (survival strategies) that's due at 8:25 tomorrow. Watching sports I would never usually watch is so much more important than passing a class I need to graduate.

Why do I end up keep having random guys in bars/ at bus stops strike up conversations with me? Is there something about me that makes them feel like they should make awkward conversation with me, but not the person next to me?

I really should have roommates, so that when I bake things I don't 'have' to eat them all myself.

Also, I finished the thrummed mittens and wore them for the first time today. They are tres excellent. I think I might end up remaking the last 1/2 inch of the fingertips, since I'm not satisfied with how they turned out, but otherwise they're great.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to compete in the Knitting Olympics, I'm just not sure exactly what I'm going to make for it. I think I want to make a sweater of some sort, but finishing a sweater in the 17 days of the Olympics (which also coincide with when I have to do the majority of my senior thesis work) might not be the best idea. We shall see.

A Mitten! That is thrummed!

These will be the warmest mittens I'll ever wear. Once I, you know, finish making them and fix the top of this one. Hopefully that will happen before it stops snowing, since these are the perfect mittens for the sort of nastiness that's going on outside. I'm super super super pumped.

Thrummed mittens were started today. Then they were mostly ripped back, since I made too many mistakes, had holes where I increased stitches for the palm, and used too much of my roving too quickly and don't want to have to buy more. Taking apart something made with unspun wool is quite challenging, and means that I am now covered in little fibers. Also, is there a good reason why I shouldn't buy this amazing self-striping sock yarn? I mean, I don't actually like tigers all that much, but... someone will, right?

On a completely different note, my apartment is cleaner than it has been all year. My parents came over for dinner yesterday, which led to me deciding to finish vacuuming so I could put away the vacuum. But to do that I had to finish folding the laundry and pick up all of the piles of things on the floor, so that got done too. Eating dinner meant that I needed to clean off my table and finish doing the dishes, so that happened. And then since I was in the kitchen and thought my parents might disapprove of how many beer bottles I had in my recycling zone, I took out the recycling (and the trash, for good measure). Bending over to pick up the recycling made me contemplate how truly nasty the kitchen floor was, so I cleaned the floor. Then I went to the bathroom and noticed a really disgusting dust bunny infestation in the corner where the door closes that's partially concealed by the radiator. That got cleaned too.
I didn't dust anything, though. I didn't want to set too high of a standard for my future self!

Sitting with your books and computer on your lap does not actually increase work output. I clearly need to work on my telepathic writing skills. That or stop reading about knitting and knitting and doing the dishes(!) and making dinner and...

I know I'm not a morning person. Anything that starts earlier than around 10 am is too early for me and means that I will be cranky, tired, and unable to focus for most of the day. I've already been forced by the dance department (which clearly wants to punish graduating seniors by requiring them to take a class at 8:25 am to days a week) into waking up several hours before dawn every Tuesday and Thursday. Why, then, did I agree to tutor someone in Spanish at 9AM every Wednesday? And why, for christ's sake, did I say yes to her proposal to also meet every Monday at 9AM? Why?

I shouldn't be allowed to make that sort of life-changing decision before noon. I should also buy myself a French press. I'm going to need it.

Today I...

-Woke up to my alarm, decided it was too early, turned it off, and went back to bed.
-Woke up 8 minutes after my first French exam for the semester had started.
-Debated whether I should go or not. I read the syllabus about make-up exams and realized I wouldn't get one because there's no doctor's note for sleeping through your alarm.
-Sprinted to get ready.
-Missed the bus by about a minute.
-Got picked up by the friendly bus driver about a block away from the bus stop (apparently something about my face said I was desperate).
-Made it to class 20 minutes after the test started.
-Sat down to take the test, only to realize that I probably had missed the listening section (teacher's usually do that right at the beginning of the test). 15 points down the drain.
-Watched my teacher get up to start the listening section. Euphoria!
-Somehow managed to finish the test before some other people in the class.
-Went to the technology center to pick up my copy of Microsoft Office.
-Made it through the rest of my classes without mishap.
-Went to the yarn store. Bought yarn for the baby sweater (grey machine washable alpaca!), new size 6 needles that aren't absurdly long, and roving to make thrummed mitten amazingness.
-Ate French Onion Soup with bread and melted cheese for dinner, along with Summit Winter Ale.
-Chatted with my sister online while installing Microsoft Office.
-Got a phone call from my Mom about how I had overdrafted one of my bank accounts while I was in Vermont (I knew that part already) and that they would close it if I didn't pay by the 6th (I didn't know that part).
-Opened another beer.
-Cast on for the baby sweater. (Which means that I've successfully met my goal of not knitting anything for a week! (reading blogs about knitting doesn't count)).

Why I still haven't written 10 pages of my thesis

Things that make for a productive day:
-Getting out of bed.
-Only wearing pajamas for 20 minutes after getting out of bed.
-Making said bed so it's slightly harder for you to collapse back into it.
-Eating at appropriate times so you don't spend the entire day thinking about food.
-Being overwhelmed by how much you have to get done that day. This inspires further procrastination and also makes you do a few small things so you don't feel quite so bad.
-Doing your French homework 12 hours before it's due.

Things that do not make for a productive day:
-Becoming obsessed with Yarn Harlot and deciding to read all of her backdated entries. All 5 years of them.
-Deciding to design your own baby sweater for your friend's friend who is due any day now. Of course this means lots of time spent on Ravelry, looking at stitch dictionaries, and fantasizing about perfect little baby boy sweaters.
-Remembering that you promised your Mom that you'd make her cousin a scarf. Spending several hours picking out lacy scarf patterns when you know that your Mom's cousin tends to wear 80s-style acid-washed jeans and oversize sweaters and turtlenecks and will only care about how warm the scarf is. And will coo about how wonderful it is for at least 10 minutes, no matter what it looks like.
-Not having Word because you just got a new computer and wanted to save money by using OpenOffice.org only to discover that OO.o won't download to your laptop, and that when it does, your laptop won't recognize it as a file. You know this, because you've downloaded it and tried to open it. Three times.
-Finding Summit Winter Ale on closeout at the local liquor store. Bringing it home with you on the city bus and trying to make it last as long as possible.
-Being a world-class procrastinator who is forever perfecting her skills.

Knitting projects fantasized about casting on: 32
Knitting projects you don't actually have the yarn for: 31.4
Imaginary sweaters you've designed today (despite the fact that you've never designed anything before): 3
Number of pages of senior thesis written so far today: 0 (but it's still early)

Hello, World

So I'm finally starting a blog. Hopefully this will make me more accountable as I try to finish (read: start) my senior thesis in English. Along the way, I'm sure you'll hear lots about the things I knit, the things I unknit, and the things I read, and my struggles with balancing knitting, reading, and actually graduating from college. It should be a good time.